I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
