Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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