go do what you do best...puke behind churches
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
