I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
