Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
