i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize