i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
