You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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