happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize