you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
