im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
