I heard we made out
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
