Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
