I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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