I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
