Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
