Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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