Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
