that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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