Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i believe in u and ur pee
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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