her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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