Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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