3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
