'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
