Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
