John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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