you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
