you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
