Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize