im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We are two peas in an std pod
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
