i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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