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so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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