Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize