I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
