wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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