Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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