He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
