if you like me you must not know who I am
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
