The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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