so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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