I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
