Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
