the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
