That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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