When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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