The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i believe in u and ur pee
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
God, I missed his penis.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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