I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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