he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
