I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
