My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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