He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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