Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
pray to the hookup gods
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize