she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
