I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
And then my night got REAL pukey
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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