My sheets look like a crime scene.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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