Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
