I think I died a long time ago.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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