3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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